The Daimler.

Based on a true story.

The chat host is connected to the .. map host .. the map host is connected to the .. nope, wait(30) .. cell host .. the cell host is connected to the .. strat host .. the strat host is connected to the .. chat host .. the chat host is .. dropping packets right now, moving on to the .. map host .. the map host is connected to the .. database .. the database is connected to the .. dbse .. the dbse is ..

pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, itsa pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, reference, reference,
pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, itsa pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, reference, reference,
pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, null pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, randomdata, reference,
CRASH! CRASH! OMG, it’s a crash

.. connected to the auth host .. the auth host is connected to .. some log files .. the log files are connected to .. the paging-service-that-cant-generate-disk-full-errors-because-the-disk-is-full .. the, that thing, is connected to .. the map host .. the map host is connected to .. player logins .. the player logins are connected to .. the fire wall.

“So you want to spawn then?” asked the lady at the Vehicle Queue, “Well, you need the cell host for that, dear. Here’s a number. Go over there and try your chances in the spawning queue.”

“Will I be expected?”

“Oh, no luv. You’re not in his queue so how can he know who you are?”

“Couldn’t you, uhm, call ahead?”

“I could, but until you’re there, he wouldn’t know who I was talking about. Or he’d have to remember.”

“I see, so what does this number do?”

“It tells him who you are.”

“So this number is connected to me somehow?”

“No, thats just the number you might need when you get to the front of the queue.”

“Might? What if it’s not?”

“Can you fly?”

“Couldn’t you just send him a note? Tell him that Mr Jenkins will be the new owner of a certain new Daimler armored car?”

“Oh, we can’t have our employees spending time on paperwork. What would the world come to? No. You just head over to the queue, wait your turn, and when you get to the front, take what the nice man gives you. I’ve made the hand-gestures and avian sacrifice that the strat host needs to try and see that your Char will be there on time.”

“But I didn’t want a char!”

“Sorry, Opel.”

“No, I wanted a Daimler!”

“Did you? Well this is the wrong queue.”

“What? Which queue am I supposed to be in?

“The one marked ‘used vehicles’.”

“But I don’t want a used vehicle.”

“This is the ‘vehicle’ queue, and you’ve used it now, haven’t you?”

“Yes, but isn’t it normal to name the queue for what it offers rather than the type of people who might stand in it?”

“Have you never been through customs?”

“Look: Are you telling me I have to go queue over there now to get my Daimler?”


“Ok. Thank you.”

<starts to walk towards the Used Vehicles queue>

“Sir! Wait. Where are you going?”

“To the used vehicles queue.”

“Well before you do you need to sign this.”

“What is it?”

“It’s the paperwork I have to send to the nice man over in the spawning queue that someone who’s used vehicles will be expecting a Daimler. You need to sign all three copies and the duplicates to go to the other servers.”

< eventually gets to front of the spawning queue, where a man not uncleese like is waiting >

“Right then, Number 1 is it?”

“That’s the number I got.”

“That’s been the number today. Who are you?”

“Erm, I’m the chap wanting the Daimler?”

“Ahh yes, we’ve got it in the back here. So, you’re the new owner are you?”


“Prove it.”

“Well, I have my number.”

“Ah, that’s just a number.”

“The lady over in the vehicles queue said she would send my paperwork over.”

“Right. That’s right. Yes indeed. I have it here.”

“So you know who I am then? I told the nice lady over there.”

“Yes, it says, ‘Number 1’.”

“That’s me, here, look, it’s on my ticket.”

“Right, but that’s just today’s number.”

“So what else does it say on the paperwork? There’s my signature.”

“Oh, signature eh? Well we don’t send those. Just weighs the paper planes down.”

“Paper planes?”

“Yes, how do you think we get the paperwork from there to here? We don’t go sending whole pages. We just send the important bits.”

“Important bits?”

“Yes, the number.”

“The number on my ticket?”

“It is. And if you didn’t have your number, I couldn’t help you!”

“So how do I convince you that I am the Daimler man?”

“Oh, can’t do that. You might just have seen the Daimler and taken a fancy to it. That might not even be a real 1 you have on that bit of paper. That could be an I or an L or a bar.”

“Very short name for a bar.”

“No, I’m sorry, that just won’t do. I’ll have to go over to the vehicles queue and ask her who the Daimler belongs to. Maybe she can point you out.”

“Will that take long?”

“No. No.. Not long at all.”

“So. What are you doing?”



“For the vehicles queue lady to throw me the paper plane that tells me she’s available for me to ask her a question.”

“Couldn’t you just go over and ask?”

“That’d be rude. Ah, here it is.”

“So, now what?”

“Pardon me, I’m busy sir”

“No you’re not, you’re just screwing up the paper airplane!”

“No, sir, I’m letting her know I’m coming over.”

“Uh, you missed?”

“Doesn’t matter, she’ll know it’s me when I get there.”


“Right! I’m back.”

“And she told you it’s me, the Daimler is mine?”

“No, she said she knows who it’s for.”

“WHAT? Did she say it wasn’t for me?”

“No, she’s sending over a paper plane with the information I need.”

“WHAT? Why didn’t you pick it up while you were there?”

“Well, then she’d have had to say, ‘Here, this is the information you need’. And whats more, I’d have had to carry it back. Not very efficient that.”

“But this is?”

“Oh yes, neither of us spends a significant amount of time in the actual carrying and moving of the piece of paper.”

“Look, just give me my Daimler already. You have the information now. You know it’s mine!”

“Well, yes and no, sir. All this paper says is ‘Someone will be coming to collect the Daimler. He will have a piece of paper with todays number on it.’ That hardly describes you in detail, does it now.”

“This is crazy. How do I get my Daimler!”

“Well, now I’ll go and check with the lady that the someone in question is, indeed, yourself.”


“Right, well there we go, sir.”

“There we go what? Can I have the Daimler now?”

“Not yet, I have to read this bit of paper she gave me.”

“Gave you? Didn’t that mean you had to carry it, inefficient and all that?”

“Oh no, sir, this was timely and pertinent. Saved a lot of trouble and bother. Not to mention confusion. Can you imagine if someone else had gotten hold of this before we had established that you were serious about wanting this Daimler?”

“No, I’m having a hard time imaginging confusion at the moment for some reason. I somehow feel beyond it.”

“Are you sure sir? Maybe a Daimler might be a bit much. I could give you this red-topped hat?”

“No, no, no. Daimler! Give! Me! Now!”

“Well, alright, alright… Lets see. Are you a bloke?”


“I have to verify your identity. Are you, infact … a bloke?”


“An English bloke?”


“That’s good! And you’re in the English army right now?”


“Good, because if you were French I would have to give you a Panhard instead.”

“So the Daimler is mine?”

“No need to be hasty, I still have some more questions. Have you reserved your Daimler yet, sir?”

“WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Of course I’ve bloody reserved it or you wouldn’t have that piece of bloody paper.”

“I might, I might. It might have different words on it. You can’t go wildly guessing at the possible roles in life a piece of paper might have had, friends it might…”


“I’ll take that as a yes.” <loud noise> “Christ! What was that? Oh, they’re shooting at your Daimler already.”

“WHAT? They ARE! I really don’t think I want it now, then!”

“We’ve almost done now. Last question! What kind of vehicle was it that you were wanting?”


“Yes! That’s exactly right, that’s what it says here! Well, in that case it seems like that’d be your Daimler parked just behind me there, the one with the three wheels. Thank you so very much for your patience. Now now, none of that, move along sir, in you go. What? No you can’t shoot back until the nice man comes and removes the loading screen, I beg your pardon sir, that kind of language is completely uncalled for, …”

Oh it’s all very bloody efficient, the packets are tighter than a very tight thing, but sending messages about messages cancels out the efficiency, and it eats away at the soul of any programmer who has to go near it.


I’m pretty sure that’s how it was done under Chamberlain.

OMG – best entry evah!!

Hahaha, that had me in tears – i could just imagine John Cleese’s voice. Excellent work.

Imagines Kfsone beating a Daimler to death with a small tree :P

HAHA great stuff!

Very nice!

Yes I also agree. Freaking awsome. LOL

I’m not sure if I’m laughing so hard because it was hilarious or because it sounds a lot like some of the systems I’ve worked on myself in the past. /wipes tears from eyes

HAHAHA one for the books kfsone!

God help me if they find out that’s actual code from the game…

OMG is this thing on?

Holy hell, I think I burst something laughing.

ROFL. 11 out of 10.

You need to get someone to act that out in an ingame movie, an show it at the Con.

This ort to be copied into the text tips file that shows up when you’re loading into the game. Just excepts. Like Part 5 of 50 stories. Collect the entire story out of order!

LOL KSF, some champagne comedy there.

Bloody Well Done mate!!!!

Funny as… :)

This is classic…

I wish I still had that brain :) I just read thru that laughing my way to the end thinking “oh, it’s so true” before I remembered I wrote it :)

I think you need to reserve a chainsaw!

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

[…] Originally intended to support a complex multi-game, multi-version, distributed hosting system, under the light of servicing only WWII Online, our games authentication system can be a real pain to work with, its a nightmare of levels of verification that just seem confusingly uneccessary when all you're going to do is log into the one game… Every now and again I have to sit down and sketch out a process outline for the whole thing in my current frame of mind to help me work out where any given thing is supposed to happen along the way… It often reads like a skit from the same "show" as "The Daimler"… […]

Tinker to nowhere « kfsone’s pittanceSeptember 10, 2006 at 2:45 pm

[…] “The chat host is connected to the … map host“… […]

[…] Maybe … It’s time for another Daimler. […]

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