The only thing that could make it happier news if they were going to hang them or rustle up a firing squad.
A few weeks ago I found someone unloading trash from the compactor at the end of our complex, so after calling the cops I hurried back to the nearby pet-poop disposals and picked up two rather full bags of dog droppings into which I tipped some of the junk-mail fliers from the mail room. I put the junk mail bag on the very edge of the disposal and rested the two, seemingly smaller and less filled, waste bags slightly on top of it. Then I retreated to a safe distance.
Sure enough, a minute later, she pulled out of her hiding spot and pulled up again by the trash. She immediately went for the junk mail and finding it stuck gave a good, hard, tug. Oops.
Unfortunately, that meant she was gone when the cop arrived five minutes later, but I was able to give the officer a picture of her license plate and a picture of her, uhm, dog day experience.
Spammers and Identity thieves: if I found one on fire and my bladder was about to rupture, I’d hold it in while I tried to find some more gasoline…